"There will be difficult things that you won't want to do, but you will do it because it is a step in the direction of where you want to go"
Notes to Self are long-form journal entries posted in full. See Seven Yrs Ago for thread. I was 20 in late 2013.
If I know what I should do, how do I keep that up? How do I keep the motivation to do so?
How do I keep myself from going down a slippery slope of either quitting, or creative upheaval or just a complete breakdown?
The littlest things get to me.
How do I stop comparing my past self with my present self? Things have changed.
How do I go above a rapidly alternating state of misery and apathy to just simple okayness (almost contentment) with the situation?
How do I stop seeing metaphors in everything? I don’t wanna keep instinctually looking for signs from the universe that I’m doing things right or wrong [in order to become whatever I’m supposed to be]
How do I learn to somewhat lean when I need to on my friends and family and the people around me without feeling like a burden or actually becoming a burden?
How do I start believing in myself again?
Why You’re Staying with Studio
Logistical:
16 units → 10 units
not a full time student so puts fin aid + scholarship in jeopardy
6 units now goes into 4 year program so with studio, I’ll take 16 units per semester and have the usual time I would take in studio to do internships in other fields of design and write more [freelance.com recommended by Rich]
Mental/Emotional:
I still like design. I like taking art and blending it with function for good use for people
I even still like architecture [even though I said the word even]. I really do like learning about all the practical stuff like spaces and heating and cooling because these are actual things that we need to consider for people. Architects need to think about people because that’s what you’re making these things for.
I have a different perspective from other people. It’s people oriented, it’s about caring about new ideas, learning and keeping ideas that work and encouraging that. I think I need to reencourage that in myself.
I’m smart, creative and I work hard. This has worked for me in the past, so even though I tell myself I’m at a standstill, I don’t have to be. I need to remember that.
A larger motivation I had for staying in was about getting better, getting stronger. Though it is not so much about developing that in architecture anymore, or really for a while, this is still a way to do that. Stick with it. There will be difficult things that you won’t want to do, but you will do it because it is a step in the direction of where you want to go: stronger, better, helping other people get stronger and better. Also a writer! with a reasonable creative day job in design possibly [some hesitation on including that last word but oh well]
[Dumb as this sounds] It’s also about how I feel that thru me and that fight in me to do my best, it’s gained me some respect. Which means there are people including my friends who look up to me. So I’m an unexpected [to myself] leader of sorts which means I should keep going so that others will too
^And with the above, I also need to remember that I’m NOT necessarily better than anyone else, I just try to be what I believe in more than some people, so that is believe in myself. And even though I can consider myself a leader, I still have and need friends who I can count on. Being a leader does not mean being alone. In fact, you’re an essential part of a group you believe in and want to see succeed. So trust in your friends and rely on that they can help you find your way back.
Continue to learn to cope with stress. Now that you aren’t stressing over the fact that you have 2.5 more years of this and you’re going to go after what you want after this, you can be a little more… “fuck it” about it. And as Rae said, I know that I would not totally “fuck it;” I still have that caring, do what you can quality in me. Have reasonable standards and meet those and feel good that you met those.
You’re not alone. You’re smart, and you can do this.
* Reminder: If you need help, you also need to help yourself.
For more context, read here.