"If you don’t learn to walk away from what you don’t want, how are you going to learn to run towards what you do want?"
Notes to Self are long-form journal entries posted in full. See Seven Yrs Ago for thread. I was 20 in late 2013.
This is all I think about now: If you’re not happy, why are you not doing anything about it?
If you don’t learn to walk away from what you don’t want, how are you going to learn to run towards what you do want?
So I’m leaving the 5 year program and dropping to the four year. Why?
NEW
4 year
Don’t want to do architecture
Get out of school earlier
Still want to learn about design because if I need a career that is somewhat stable and can make money, it has to be visual
I need a degree. Learning is important despite how I feel in my current situation. Plus this is the real world
So since I’m already leaving, why don’t I quit now?
Now
Give me time to confront my problems
Stop me from breaking down because I know I am depressed. I fucking feel like crying at the smallest question of my happiness
Stop me from doing something stupid like dropping out of school. That is incredibly stupid, DON’T DO IT NICOLE.
People should go after what they want [see prev.]
People should be aware and ready [for what I don’t know but that makes sense on some level I can’t describe literally]
Whatever you do, love it.
Give me mental space to prepare for last years of school
I loved this, I can love it again but not now in this state.
Admit shit. Honest shit. Stop telling yourself to push through something you don’t want to do now
You’re around people who either care a lot or don’t care at all. You’re becoming one of the latter. You don’t want to be that.
Despite my strong feelings about this, the world isn’t black and white. I don’t have to go in 1 of 2 extremes, either 5 year arch school or drop out of school. This is my compromise; this is my decision. More so, there is no one right way to do things because we don’t know what the future is like for ourselves.
For the 1st time this semester, I feel strongly about something that doesn’t involve another person i.e. Jason. I thought that he was my problem, but no, it’s my feelings about him and architecture that have clouded me. Last semester was about staying strong for myself by sticking throughout with both. I am grateful that I did that because I learned a lot and I def felt like a person of stronger resolve because of it. At the same time though, admittedly both kinda broke me in my incredible disappointment in both. I love these things but we don’t belong together. I can’t do anything about Jason i.e. being just friends again because he’s his own person, he has his own life, he’s doing something he’s meant to do and excels at and I think that’s fantastic for him. And I can’t control what him or another person does. And I wouldn’t want to if I could.
I can control what I do though. I can leave the idea of being an architect behind. Start moving towards what you want to do, what you’re meant to do.
Stop drowning.
Swim again.