"The times I felt the worst about the relationship was when I had no idea how he felt about me or what to label it"
Notes to Self are long-form journal entries posted in full. See Seven Yrs Ago for thread. I was 20 in late 2013.
I think the problem is that I see all the ways I could be but don’t know what I want to be. At the same time too, I am trying to see what I should be. In an ideal world, those 2 would be the same thing, but this world is far from that.
Different track now since my brain blended to this naturally: why the fuck am I still on this Jason thing?
For starters, and this makes sense, I’m hypersensitive and aware of it right now since practically a year ago, we got together. Of course, I just went to a mutual arch friend’s birthday party and he was there with his girlfriend. It was actually really chill and truth is I liked her and probably would like her more if I met her in a completely different context and you know without this Jason thing ladeedah.
I just came from URap, which is this LGBT open discussion on whatever topic of the week, and this week, the topic was “Hookups, Dating and Safe Sex.” Didn’t say anything (of course) but I liked listening to everyone. It really did make me recall some things about that deal last year.
I’m hesitant to call it a relationship. In fact, I’m just as unsure of what to call it now as I was a year ago. A better way for me to describe it is “hooking up with feelings.” Maybe a reason I still cling to it, is that the time I liked him the most when we were dating was when we weren’t physically together—winter break. It’s like I was just able to get personality and emotion, rather than sexual stuff and physical distance in public. The times I felt the worst about the relationship was when I had no idea how he felt about me or what to label it (something they talked about in URap).
In URap, they were talking about what bases are and how there are so many definitions for what a hookup is. Someone brought up the good point that it’s not about the action, it’s the level of commitment attached to it.
“You can fuck someone you don’t like and you can like someone you don’t fuck.”
I guess with Jason, I obsessively, yes that has to be the fucking word even if it’s not something I enjoy thinking about, because I don’t know and may never know the real story.
I am obsessed with thinking about what I don’t know! And the amount of what I don’t know! Which in the grand scheme of the universe is close to everything which means I know close to nothing!
Beyond the dramatics though, I definitely have a problem with thinking about the magnitude of things and that is what is making me so unsure about everything and about myself. I think about the consequences and results of every decision I could possibly make.
AUGH! Now that I’m being less down on myself, I realize that I’m really smart. If I could just find the right thing that all my brainpower could positively go into rather than stay in my head to drive me crazy with things that don’t totally matter!
It’s not that things don’t matter at all, it’s that I’m trying to tackle 50 things of semi-importance to myself that it’s draining me and making me not resolve 1 thing! Gah!
Okay. Perhaps what I should do is find one thing to focus on at a time, preferably the thing in front of me. Please.
I made out with a guy in a dress a couple nights ago and woke up the next day with gold glitter on my hand. Just sayin’.
For more context, read here.