"Here's What You're Going To Do (Gameplan)"
Notes to Self are longer journal entries from Seven Yrs Ago. Read First Love and His Wife for more on learning from love. I was 21 in early 2014.
WHY YOU NEED TO GET OVER JASON (personality diffs aside)
He’s NOT there for you
He wasn’t there for you when you were going thru Hell last semester
He wasn’t even fully there for you when you were dating—in the sense he kept putting other people and himself before you. If not physically, mentally and emotionally
He’s dating another girl
1st thing he said about her to you is that he wants to marry her
Last thing you heard about how he feels about her is that he loves her so there → Jason is a guy who isn’t there for you and has historically not been there for you, and he is in love with another girl who he’s dating.
WHY YOU DON’T WANT TO GET OVER JASON
(because let’s be realistic—you can get over a guy/person so since you aren’t yet you must have a stubborn reason on doing so) (personality similarities aside bc those could’ve changed)
1st guy you dated that you grew to like
you two broke up at the time when you believe, you liked him the most. I can’t tell if that was the peak, bc obviously didn’t go after that, but it was definitely up there
Since the depression break diagnosis thing, you realize that you have an enormous ability of underestimating your feelings. You suspect that Jason was your 1st love, even if it wasn’t returned.
You’ve seen him commit wholeheartedly to Michelle. The last time you and Jason talked, he mentioned the advice you gave him once (for me, not regrettable but now both amazed and frustrated as hell that I did): “That the next girl he gets, and the stars are aligned and stuff, hold her and don’t let her go and love her as much as you can because I know you can.” Of course he didn’t quote me, but he did mention how he remembered that when things got weird with Michelle at some point and now they’re together, and he loves her.
Because you gave him that advice, then told him to put Michelle 1st before me (in Aug.) even after confessing that I still liked him, then telling him that I’m proud of how he is with Michelle after repeating that now-realized lie about how I’m over him. Then, after realizing during winter break that you really do still like him, then deciding not to tell him for various reasons, including how telling him would just fuck with him and Michelle and their mentalities… well, fuck, that either means that you’re a good person, a stupid person or a person who’s in love. Probably all 3. You’re fucking crying now. Emphasis on the 3rd.
We don’t have conversations; we have 10 second facial rendezvouses. And it gives you that glimmer of hope. That stupid, stupid glimmer.
HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO (GAMEPLAN)
You can control your actions, but not your feelings.
So if you still have your feelings, but he’s still doing what you think he’s doing, replace him. Date people, hang out with people, be as open with other people as you think you were with him. You’re starting to do that already. Good ✓
Now onto the dating part.
Delete his #, made him an acquaintance and his girlfriend one too ✓
Think less about him.
I know that one’s probably the hardest, since you’re unpurposefully thinking about him every day since you guys dated and then broke up etc. but you’re going to have to do it. Think of this problem as how you thought of dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, architectural anxiety etc. These are feelings and thoughts that heavily weigh you down, even if the cause for them is no longer applicable and enough time has passed for it to even be considered reasonable.
Such as with the depression, suicidal thoughts, when Jason pops up in your head, tell yourself that’s not how things are, then distract yourself with music or talking to someone or anything like that. There are now no benefits to thinking about it
Maybe start talking to him again. Not texting him or going out of your way to talk to him, but just start with small talk. Don’t build it up in your head when you see him so that you feel like you can’t talk to him, but also don’t jump the gun and immediately feel like you have to talk to him. Calm down. You know extremely well that he is not perfect, so don’t worry that he’s going to say something in small talk that’s going to make you fall in love with him again. It’s called small talk because it’s a little thing. You don’t have to make a big deal out of a little thing.
Even if, magically, you guys start talking again and it looks like things are going well, the only circumstance when you can reconsider him or call him a friend, is when you can trust him again.
Sure, he’s a nice guy, a good person, loyal to his friends, family and girlfriend [I say this observationally from a distance], but hasn’t done anything in a really long time that proves to you that you can trust him.
Not at all.
Where was he in the times when you needed someone to talk to, someone who knew you well at school and was yet far enough, seemingly, to not get hurt by your confessions of arch instability etc.?
Nowhere.
Not with you.
So until you feel like you can trust him again, do not fool yourself into thinking he’s your friend.
And until you’re in an emotionally stable place with another person that you love and who hopefully loves you back the same way, since you’re not his friend and will not say anymore about how you’re over him, lucky for you, you don’t have to ask about Michelle. You can if you want, but don’t feel you have to, to prove a “point” to yourself about how you’re over it and that you can talk about it. You can’t. You need to love someone else before that happens. And when you see them, you can be nice to them, but don’t try to buddy up with them and it’s possibly acceptable to ignore them.
You’ve made enough leniencies and convenient lies for them, so don’t fall prey to your good heart about it. You still like him, so the best you can do for yourself is stay completely out of it. Don’t even try to see what’s going on with them. Don’t.
(Possibly) Most important reason to empty your head of these issues with Jason:
You have your whole life ahead of you.
Cliché but true.
There are people to meet, places to go, jobs to have, fears to overcome, mistakes to make.
It’s absolutely possible that you will meet someone else that you can fall in love with and not feel boxed in and feel comfortable and he/she will love you too.
Fairytale wedding, BBQ, family, the End.
And, considering all things, if Jason pops back into your life and you have done all that getting over old stuff and he earns your trust or whatever, then you will know that that’s how things are.
That’s the universe.
Keep moving forward.
For commentary seven years later, go here.