"Race was the last thing on my mind."
Notes to Self are longer journal entries from Seven Yrs Ago. Read American Asian for more on understanding one’s racial identity. I was 21 in early 2014.
RACE
For me, identifying myself as Asian is similar to how probably many white people identify themselves as American; roots dissolve. For white Americans, they can either claim branches in 30 European nationalities or settle with one: American. In that sense, white people are lucky that people who look at them don’t immediately see the need to do a background check. Like how our country started, they are born as white pages, blank slates.
I, on the other hand, have to carry a country of people I don’t know, a language I don’t speak, a culture I don’t understand. And it isn’t wrong that I don’t know these things; it’s wrong for people to assume I do.
Race is a social construct and like most social constructs, it is an illusion that needs to be disassembled. It’s a solid concrete wall protecting fear.
Don’t get me wrong—I think it’s great if people identify with their cultures. If that was what they were born and/or raised in, then it is an integral part of you that gives a sense of well-being, situates you. These are your people, this is what you do; by that logic, they are you so you are not alone.
However, I was not raised like that. Yes, my parents cooked the dishes; I had filipino family friends; I made visits to the Philippines, yes. But I didn’t learn the language. I was an only child. I was raised in Arizona and was by default raised with white kids and the occasional Mexican. If it wasn’t for the “alternative” schools my parents sent me to, I probably would’ve learned to be more racist, for in large throngs of young people, groups emerge, often by appearance. And that’s exactly it—despite the first decade of my life dedicated to my parents and what they valued, including their filipino pride, my formative years of consciousness were marked with divorce, chaos and alienation. Race was the last thing on my mind.
College diversity—identifying yourself too strongly to a group can be damaging when put in an “alien” situation (surrounded by diff. color folk)
If I am any kind of Asian, I’m happy it’s filipino. Imposed colonialism → forks, openness, multiculturalism. “I contain multitudes”
I get offended. I don’t do anything charac. Asian (to my knowledge)—only my parents + small background
Your choice to identify me as something that I don’t feel any part of is inherently racist. I may identify with heritage in the future, but not now. I’ll take it as it comes, but don’t force me.