"(seriously have fleshed out an entire complex relationship and we haven’t even had lunch yet)"
Notes to Self are longer journal entries from Seven Yrs Ago. I was 21 mid-2014.
I want people who, or at least want to, acknowledge all their dimensions.
Maybe the real reason I want to talk to or connect to Buck, besides the obvious want-a-boyfriend-and-sex thing (which as the days and my mind tick by, becomes less and less reasonable) is that I want someone to talk to.
Now, yes, I reconnected with people this weekend and I love them and am grateful for them, and yes, I have friends who I also adore and appreciate, and I understand my parents more and like them all the more (get to the point kid) but now I can’t help but feel that I’m still lacking. On the bright side, I’m not currently in despair about this, my chest is in one piece and in place.
It’s more like a comprehensive acknowledgement that I’ve been piecing together for a while, though backed with the fact that I really already do have friends and people I love.
Perhaps people fill voids—voids in ourselves from childhood, living, the current situation whatever. My friends here fill my caring, emotional void from a daily tiff with the world to toppling a deep splat bucket.
But
at the same time,
I feel so much older than them. It’s my fault that I do often put myself in advice/help mode but it’s like… I see what they’re doing and if they look concerned or ask questions, I want to help them. I also want to help their voids. I’m learning to do it in my own schedule too now, so with moderation, I believe I can do it. But there are a lot of times when we’re doing stuff, particularly cultural things like film and music, that just remind me, that I’ve been exposed to way more than what they have. They can listen to what they want—I won’t push them—but if I listen to what they like, and there is overlap since I like pop, but I want to listen to other things I like… with other people. That doesn’t directly correlate to the maturity thing though—I guess I just end up giving way more advice than getting it. They’ve given great, super advice, but for a while now, I’ve been more or less figuring out my own problems + with my therapist.
I guess what I’m saying is… my idealized version of a person is spread out between friends and it’s cool because I have so many friends who in a number of ways are different so they bring something to the table.
But what I want. What I want!
Someone who I could talk to *cliché coming* about anything.
Ideas, books, movies, culture etc.
Who has wisdom of his/her own, a wealth of it, and though we can trade advice when we need it, he/she has a handle on him/herself (as much as I hope to have on myself)
Someone who doesn’t need me to take care of them (to be fair, no one asks me, I probably just identify problems that may be there), and who (importantly) actually wants to take care of me. Not because they think I need it, but because they like me.
And someone who seems to be moving ahead in his/her life and at least appears happy and excited for it.
And someone really damn smart who could make me laugh.
Which well damn, is what Buck looks like to me right now. It’s dangerous, I know to have an ideal person in your head, especially when it comes to dating. Nobody’s perfect* I guess that list popped up because those are things I want in myself. If it’s a comfort, all the things on the list really could just be the recipe for an awesome friend. Another awesome friend since I already have some.
So if this lunch thing ever comes through, one-time or not, I could maybe hold back my elaborate runaway imagination (seriously have fleshed out an entire complex relationship and we haven’t even had lunch yet), I could first focus on the books/movie/music culture thing. At least having one person I could connect to on that here in LA (besides Tanner who I obviously can’t discuss any kinds of feelings or cuddle), would be nice. Plus future cuddle potential. If not with Buck, at least I put a foot in the door and can maybe find other cultured people like him. Just would be nice if they were smart and presumably mature. And had really nice eyes. Okay, runaway point, done.
*duh.
For commentary seven years later, go here.