"one after another, I see stem, I see branch, I see tree, I see forest, I see fucking Alaska."
Notes to Self are long-form journal entries posted in full. See Seven Yrs Ago for excerpts. Read On Leaving for vision seeking and First Love and His Wife for ex stuff. I was 20 in late 2013.
I’ll be straight up and say you’re kinda one reason why I’m doing this, figuring this out I mean and after so much damn time thinking, I like to think I have the right reason
1) At first, a long time ago I used to be so jealous of you like, this guy’s so fast, he has time to have fun, this is just his calling ya know. And I would get so jealous, like here I am working my ass off while this guy does what I do in like 5 min
But then I realized that actually you have been doing this a super long time and you know some people just have their thing and this is yours
And then I had to ask myself why I was comparing myself with you when I don’t even want to be an architect, like it’s comparing apples with apple computers—it doesn’t make sense.
So then even though I had those in the back of my mind, I think it was just hard to remember, especially when we were dating which made me feel bad and made me feel worse when I was resenting you.
Because it’s good that you’re good and why should that bother me that much when I didn’t even want to be an architect or even now, necessarily want to be a designer? It doesn’t make sense to be jealous of something you don’t even want to be.
2) Then we dated, we broke up, stuff happened, summer happened, you moved on and fell in love and I was there, accepting that you were gone and you were happy and this was good for you and I just needed to move on.
But I couldn’t. (But I can’t.)
It was like, you know, I was committed to studio and then of course seeing you around at first was like… well, you know. And then when I had my whole crisis thing, it was like everything was tumbling down and you kept popping into my head and it was enough popping to make me even question like am I dropping because of you? Because I’m sad about it? That I can’t handle being in this major with a (talented) ex-boyfriend? Am I that girl?
3) Now after another hurricane of thought, I realize that both of those are true. Absolutely true. But only to an extent!
I am jealous of you!
I am jealous that you have your values right. You got the good relationship with the fam, the close friends, the girlfriend; you’re kicking ass in a kickass major and you have ideas, you have plans for the future.
I remember talking with you a year ago about how we saw our futures and you were saying how’d you wanna stay here in your hometown with your friends and your family and that you would be making bank as an architect and you know all these other things like investments and kids and blah blah blah.
All I said, I think, was that I wanted kids and after graduation I’d maybe like to move to San Francisco or New York or out of the country like Italy but otherwise… when I thought about my future, all I saw was a black hole. All black. No boundaries, no pinpricks in the distance. Just black.
And that’s still how I see it. But it’s getting better. It’s always getting better, and I know I’m taking next semester to see that. How I would visualize my future. How I want to visualize it.
So that’s it. I’ve been thinking so much big picture. I’ve got so many metaphors pumping out of my ass I could put out a literary fire.
It’s like there’s that phrase “don’t see the forest for trees” and I’ve been looking at the fucking leaves, the motherfucking veins, the water droplets and then boom, one after another, I see stem, I see branch, I see tree, I see forest, I see fucking Alaska. That’s where they get Christmas trees, right? Anyways…
Yeah. It’s been building up this semester and it’s like even though I got out of my head a lot and looked around and saw that design’s super cool and that I’m pretty good and I like even love everyone in studio a lot, I can’t go back. At least not next semester. I need to see a future. If I get this degree, this literal degree, and not a metaphor for all that I told you [*not written here but I ain’t got time for that] I want to see where I’m going with this degree.
If I want to write, then I should write. If I want to help people, then I should do that.
And FUCK same with every motherfucking thing that I’ve been saying that I want to do but haven’t done because I was too busy caught up in my work, my stress, my low self esteem, my depression. Like,
FUCK ALL THAT!
FUCK THAT
Being depressed for 7 years especially during my teenage years which is when you’re supposed to try things for the first time, things that you could like, things that you wanna be, like that’s the kind of shit that’s supposed to inspire you, that’s supposed to give you an idea of what you want to be.
And hell, I know it’s not like every teen except me did that but there are some who did and you could tell.
They’re the ones who believe in themselves and even though they may not be 100% certain of what they’re doing with their major either, they still probably have an idea of what they want to do with their life
They don’t see a black hole!
I am now just seeing that there are so many other important factors that go into having a good life, a satisfying one.
And no, I don’t have the perfect family, I don’t have the perfect friends or perfect major or any that shit. [Though I know your life isn’t perfect either just, yeah I’m on a roll. Yeah, for a while, it’s been like all thinking and without the negativity, it’s like something blows my mind every hour. It’s terrible, I can’t focus on school or work, and I get so tired but I’m really happy that I’m finally starting to figure out some things for myself
I’m grateful for the tiny explosions (in my head)]
But I’m working on it. Because it’s worth it. Because the people in my life now are worth it. And in order to keep moving forward I need to open my life up to them and to more people who could be worth it.
[So, I’m asking you, are you? END OF SCENE]
And I’m telling you all this because even though we haven’t talked, like really talked, in like over 6 months, I feel like out of anyone else here who would know me, you might get it. And not only would you get it, it wouldn’t maybe mess with your head like it would with Kelli, Ben and Rae cause God knows I love ‘em, but they’re… nervous about this major and you’re not. In fact out of all my friends or the people I’m closeish too, you’re the one I know for sure would finish this major out. And I don’t wanna fuck with their minds cause hell knows they have enough to worry about. Aaron also gets stressed; everyone gets stressed, even you, but you seem, like the least out of them.
I couldn’t talk also with my non-arch friends here either exactly cause they’re also going thru junioritis and also they couldn’t get my paradoxical love/hate with studio and the arch major stuff. Haven’t talked with my friends back home about it cause of time but also they wouldn’t get how serious I was about architecture as a major. My friend even has been predicting I would drop and would become a writer and FUCK that’s what I’m doing but there’s a lot more layers to that
My parents? Shit I have to go thru that depression, repression, and divorce talk with them first, but of course, and this only makes sense, they maybe see this (that I’ve been working super hard that I must desperately want to be an architect) as I just need a break, or that I’m going crazy
WHICH IS RIGHT.
I AM.
BUT
this
this to me is the kind of crazy that I am lucky to have
the kind I was supposed to have when I was younger, but at a gradual pace. Now I’m exploding all over the place and I’m looking for my desires, my wants, my needs and applying it to the future, to my future.
For me, this is the most responsible thing I could do.
I have hope.
I don’t want to see black.
[Why do I always have these breakthroughs while I’m doing studio/supposed to do studio? I’m almost going to miss the madness]
For comments seven years later, go here.