“I am your kid, but I’m also an adult and a person.”
Notes to Self are longer journal entries from Seven Yrs Ago. Read Sticky, must have been very good” for snipped poetry. I was 20 in late 2013.
To Dad:
What I want him to know
I want him to understand me. understanding
To understand me, is to know that I’ve been depressed since at least 14, possibly even earlier than that
I was depressed because of the divorce and what came afterwards between them (and also indiv behav, but not as necessary for the 1st convo at least)
I am your kid, but I’m also an adult and a person. This is why I’m telling you now, because I’m old enough, I am mature and have been for years and I know that in order for me to move on with my life, I have to release some baggage/weight
This is a chance for our relationship to be better. On a level, eye to eye field. [Again, I am not a kid; I will not be guilted or shamed.] LATER CONVO
I’m going thru therapy, and it’s helping me a lot. I want him to go to therapy too. Even if he thinks he’s fine now, he’s not. [If he agrees, I will pay for his therapy. As long as he makes an effort and goes every single time, I will pay for as much as my pay will let me. Seriously considering this. I would give up Italy for my dad’s therapy.]
I know that I am the only person you have. And I know that you feel that a lot of people in your life have wronged you, and you know what? In their own ways, they have, and you have every right to be angry and sad about it.
But just because you have that right doesn’t mean you have to live the rest of your life like that.
I’m not speaking for myself now; I’m asking you, do you want to feel this way for the rest of your life?
Do you want to have anger and sling it back and always feel at war? I know you are disappointed, angry, depressed and hopeless and feel like you just want to die. I know because you’ve been telling me that for years.
Wouldn’t it be nice to just be content? Happy? Yes that sounds ridiculous but I believe it could happen. And I know that it won’t seem like it’s possible, and it could take years, but if you really try, I think you could do it.
You’re smart and a lot of things have happened to you and I know you want someone to hear them. I’m here for you Dad but I can’t do it alone. You need to try and you need another person who is actually qualified to help you.
I’m getting help for things and I’m doing it because I want to move on as a person.
Part of becoming that person, for me, is not just having my friends there with me, but you guys, my parents, as well. You have always supported me, so I’m letting you know that the support I need, that I want, is that you will understand me. And you can understand me, but understanding what has strongly affected me which was the divorce. The thing is I’m telling you this now not because I want to point fingers and blame you for what’s happening to me now, but because I want to say… that I forgive you.
You didn’t purposely hurt me and I didn’t let you know before. That’s why I’m telling you now that it did hurt me. Deeply. But a lot of things have happened in the past years that made me realize that there is something better out there. And that better is not only for other people. It’s for us too.
I want to make things better. For me and for us.
I want you to want things to get better.
I want you to believe things will get better. Because when you believe in that and yourself, it will only get better.
For commentary seven years later, go here.