“I want them to understand me. I haven’t let them.”
Notes to Self are longer journal entries from Seven Yrs Ago. Read Sticky, “must have been very good” for snipped poetry. I was 20 in late 2013.
Coming back home… I realize the weight of what I will do, telling my parents about my depression and how their relationship and the divorce was the main cause of it. It, of course, seemed so easy and straightforward at school when I decided that I had to do it.
It’s weird to see the picture of me and my mom at her desk and office space and to hear her say that I’m the only person my dad has. I know this is true. My dilemma is… that I have to make my parents understand that I am depressed, the extent of it, and the causes, and yet at the same time not to forcibly point fingers and accuse them of ruining me. ‘What’s past is past’ is true. I know they tried to do their best, but still that stuff really cut me, very deep down. My counselor says I have an overly high pain tolerance which was true; the problem is that things have worn me down so much that now little things inflame the pain as much as big things do.
The reasons why I need to tell them these things is that:
I’m an adult. I now realize that I’m smart and capable and what’s holding me back is this sadness inside. I need to eventually resolve it and I think the best way is thru talking, especially with the people who started it
Once that happens I need to tell them that it’s important for me to discuss this with them [wait that’s the list title duh] because I think also our relationships’ improving. They seem more supportive and understanding (from phone distance) so if I can say this, and we work thru it, it has potential to get better.
I want them to understand me. I haven’t let them.
I want them to understand that I have a lot of good values and qualities that are me based on the fact that I’ve chosen them. I’ve chosen this new identity which seems pretty awesome when I’m not hating myself, and in order to become it, I have to let go of what’s bad in me
I want them to understand that even though I have these aforementioned qualities, I still have a way to go in figuring out myself.
I want them to understand that in that process, a lot of weird things may happen, that they may not get at first, but they should know that I am trying to do my best. I will do my best to keep up my responsibilities at least, but yeah, things could happen.
I want them to understand that even though I am blaming them in the past, I am not blaming the people they are now. I am not acting out or fighting them because I hate them. No, in fact, I’m telling them now because I want to love them again. And love myself too.
This could all be easier.
The worst part is that I’ll have to do it twice. Both will have completely different reactions. I need to believe that I am eloquent, smart and patient enough to tell them when the timing is right and that I will be able to control my extreme feelings when I say it.
I will have to convey strongly, however, what I mean. This I will have to do.
For commentary seven years later, go here.