“It’s not your problem and it shouldn’t be mine either.”
Notes to Self are longer journal entries from Seven Yrs Ago. Read Sticky, “100%” for snipped poetry. I was 20 in late 2013.
You know what my problem is? I really like you. I think you’re incredibly smart, funny, interesting; you think of crazy things and actually do them or make them, you just make things happen. You’re good looking, you have great friends, you have a great family. You like a lot of the same shit that I like and that’s it. The problem is this. Logistics, aside, you have a girlfriend you love and want to marry; timing; my depression and other personal issues; if we were both single and we didn’t have architecture anymore, I shouldn’t like you anymore. You know why? You aren’t there for me.
You weren’t there for me and you haven’t been for months. And when you were hiding me from your family and the people around us, you weren’t even there for me when we were dating. The most connected I ever felt with you was the night I came back from break last year and the night we broke up. The point is that I really like someone who based on past actions, either doesn’t care about me and has never cared enough about me or has actually cared about me but has never told me or shown me as much. Basically a coward. I really like you, who either has no emotion for me or does but hasn’t shown it.
I would almost prefer the first one, but I suppose that if that were true, that would make me completely crazy and have made the whole damn thing up. It’s embarrassing that I like you this much. It’s pathetic of me to like someone who doesn’t care about me or does but doesn’t show it. It’s pathetic to let myself think that that’s all I want.
I see now that I deserve so much more. It’s pathetic to let myself think that whichever version is true to be all that I need.
I really need to like someone who really likes me and shows it.
I’m going to stop being pathetic now.
Bye.
It’s not your problem and it shouldn’t be mine either.
We won’t be friends because I don’t want to be friends. So until I find someone better, we’re not going to be friends. We haven’t been just friends for a long time so for you, consider yourself lucky. You’ve got your girlfriend who you love and want to marry and you’ve got one less person who wants something from you.
I’m going to do my best to be nice and open because I don’t want hatred or bitterness to build up inside and take room where better things and better feelings should be. But I’m not going to ask you to talk or hang out anymore. You’re not there. I shouldn’t hold a room in my heart for someone who doesn’t want to be there.
The only thing I’ve lied about was being over you, and I didn’t know it was a lie at the time. And that stuff about me being happy for you and your girlfriend? I 100% mean that. But the reason I mean that, why I feel that way, is because I care about you so much. I want the people that I care about to be happy. I just need to start caring about myself too.
Note: I can try to talk myself thru why I should or shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t talk myself out of the feeling itself. Feeling isn’t thinking. You just feel.
investigate bad feelings and interrogate them mercilessly
don’t push them away or dismiss them as insignificant, in particular the strong ones.
instincts are part feeling
For commentary seven years later, go here.