"I'm crying for all the times I should have cried but didn't"

Dec. 5, 2013

Notes to Self are long-form journal entries posted in full. See Seven Yrs Ago for excerpts. Read The Middle for more on breaking down. I was 20 in late 2013.

I’m crying.

I’m crying because for the first time in a long time, I am feeling sorry for myself and I am letting myself do it because I think I deserve to.

I’m crying for all the times I should have cried but didn’t

I’m crying because it’s inappropriate and there’s no time to do it.

I’m crying because this is the first time I think I should.

I’m crying for all the times that I should have been proud of myself, and looking back, I am now, but I wish I was then

I’m crying because that mean voice in my head isn’t here now and I’m going to lock the doors so it won’t come back in.

I’m crying because I have to leave studio just when I realized that everyone around me is great and I’m so grateful that they are there.

I’m crying because that ache in my chest comes on hard whenever I step back from my work and breathe

I’m crying because I wish I could tell people, the people around me who I care about and who care about me, but I know that at the moment I can’t because everyone has their own things to think about.

I’m crying because I’m still scared of letting people in

I’m crying because if I do, then they’ll know that I’m really sad

I’m crying because I don’t know if other people can help me because I need to help myself

I’m crying because I think people can help me but I’m scared of driving me away and I’m scared of that last sentence

I’m scared of being disappointed in myself again.

I’m crying because I’m afraid that if I don’t cry now, I’ll cry in front of other people and they won’t notice because I’ve become an expert at crying in public

I’ve become a genius at being sad for half my life

I’m crying because if I cry later and people do see it, they’ll think I’m crying over my project which is stupid because that is just stupid

I’m crying, not because I’m stupid but because I’m smart and I’ve let this depression take over my life and weigh me down

I’m crying because I can’t wait for the day when I won’t have to cry anymore.

Funny (or Not So?) thing about this depression.

I thought I kicked it a long time ago like around 16/17 but I didn’t.

I just learned to live with it and think it was normal to be this sad.

Not all the time because I’m capable of great joy and hope, but often, that other me can crush it down.

For comments seven years later, go here.